I haven't wrote ANYTHING about the miscarriage. I was very excited sharing the timeline of the IVF and all the wonderful exciting things that were happening, but this is hard to write. Like, it's final.
I still get asked how are the babies doing and I have to tell them that we miscarried. I am not mad at you for asking. I also don't want you to beat yourself up for asking. We were all watching like crazy and then everything came to a screeching halt.
We found out on Feb 28th we were pregnant and on April 1st in the wee hours of the morning I woke up with severe cramping and some spotting. An hour our two went by and everything started to get worse. I thought this can't be happening. I woke up Jason and we headed to Physicians Premier ER. The whole staff was incredible with our needs and the sensitivity of what was happening. We were loosing our babies. When the doc came in one last final time to tell us what my HCG level was I let out a shrill cry and Jason just held me while we both sobbed, loudly.
It has been a month. A lot of tears have been shed, I pulled away from my social life, I slept a lot, and I cried some more. So did Jason. It was extremely hard for him too. His wife is suffering and he too lost his children. And now I am tearing up again. I thought I was ready to write this down. I'll keep it short.
I have been comforted by you sharing your stories of miscarriage. It happens way more than is talked about. I can count on almost all of my fingers of friends who have miscarried. I am not blaming myself, Jason, the ivf, the docs, the nurses or God.
Which brings me to this instagram post. PS have you been following on my instagram? Sometimes I post things there and not on FB or even on SNAPCHAT.
On the way home from CU Roddfield, Jason and I were talking about service. Service was about being spiritually attacked. I think we all have or battling something. Ours is the baby and Jason not having a job. We've been faithful through this. Hardest thing ever. Today I asked jason what would our actions be like if we didn't trust Him anymore and be mad? How would we act differently? We would have pulled away from group, stopped praying together, stopped attending church, stopped talking about God, all that kinda stuff. Never once have we. So I asked Jason those questions, bc to me it was never a thought to quit God. Yes, the waiting is excruciating and stressful beyond words, but we're waiting. I pick up my max Lucado book called you'll get through this and this was the chapter Reading "you'll get through this" Max Lucado
This book was given to me as part of a gift box from Lullaby of Hope.
"Lullaby of Hope is 501(c)3 nonprofit ministry for women journeying through infertility, pregnancy or infant loss. We provide give curated gift boxes intended for encouragement, comfort and healing."
It took me almost a month to pick up this book and start really processing the feelings I was having. I am thankful to the angel (another mom who has miscarried several times and has also tried IVF) who sent this to me. This book is answering a lot of questions and helping me deal with my feelings.
AND before anybody says 'well, just adopt" or "why aren't you adopting" or " there are so many kids who need to be adopted" know that we HAVE been to an adoption orientation and just a couple of weeks ago I attempted to fill out the adoption application and it stirred about feelings I hadn't dealt with. So we need to heal, first.
We are trusting God and this right now is the next step for us, is healing.
much love to you all, Team O